Lizard Birth

Here non-phpBB topics can be discussed.
User avatar
Ooopsie
Supporter
Supporter
Posts: 1213
Joined: 19 Aug 2010, 16:34
Location: Index, WA

Lizard Birth

Postby Ooopsie » 05 Nov 2011, 16:11

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview : I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."
"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked .

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back" He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just . . ... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its .. . . its. . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!!
Image
Oopsie
_____
Be who you are and say what you feel.
Those who mind don't matter.
Those who matter don't mind.
- Dr. Seuss

_____
And be kinder than necessary, for everyone
you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

martin123456
Old member
Old member
Posts: 677
Joined: 30 Mar 2011, 00:32

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby martin123456 » 05 Nov 2011, 18:04

:D :D :D :D :D

Blackwolf_Oz
Senior member
Senior member
Posts: 211
Joined: 11 Feb 2011, 11:27

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby Blackwolf_Oz » 06 Nov 2011, 05:16

:cheers:
PhpBB3 Version: 3.1.2
Ultimate Edition, Ultimate Edition Oz, Oz Unity
We are Anonymous. We are Legion. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.

newsbee_2
Member
Member
Posts: 138
Joined: 08 Mar 2010, 11:10
Location: Moscow, Russia

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby newsbee_2 » 10 Nov 2011, 19:29

:D :shock: :rofl: :clap:

User avatar
Sniper_E
MOD Team
MOD Team
Posts: 589
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 16:53
Location: Shreveport, LA

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby Sniper_E » 10 Nov 2011, 20:01

I'm laying on my back right now... can you give me a hand Ooopsie? :D
No is NEVER an Option and NEVER is the only Option when it comes to Giving Up!

User avatar
RMcGirr83
Past Contributor
Past Contributor
Posts: 6243
Joined: 30 Nov 2006, 14:23
Real name: Rich McGirr

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby RMcGirr83 » 10 Nov 2011, 23:56

/me gets the tweezers and the microscope ;)

User avatar
Ooopsie
Supporter
Supporter
Posts: 1213
Joined: 19 Aug 2010, 16:34
Location: Index, WA

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby Ooopsie » 11 Nov 2011, 13:11

Rich, I need to borrow your tweezers to use on Sniper when you're done. And a 5000x microscope please.

User avatar
Sniper_E
MOD Team
MOD Team
Posts: 589
Joined: 13 Jun 2011, 16:53
Location: Shreveport, LA

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby Sniper_E » 11 Nov 2011, 16:47

Microscope? Hey, that's supose to be tweezers and magnifying glass. You guys are relentless. :(
No is NEVER an Option and NEVER is the only Option when it comes to Giving Up!

User avatar
RMcGirr83
Past Contributor
Past Contributor
Posts: 6243
Joined: 30 Nov 2006, 14:23
Real name: Rich McGirr

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby RMcGirr83 » 11 Nov 2011, 19:46

I usually say

"Tweezers and pepper shaker"

Shake some pepper on it, wait for it to sneeze and grab it with the tweezers.

User avatar
Ooopsie
Supporter
Supporter
Posts: 1213
Joined: 19 Aug 2010, 16:34
Location: Index, WA

Re: Lizard Birth

Postby Ooopsie » 12 Nov 2011, 04:26

:shock: :D


Return to “General Discussion”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: CommonCrawl [Bot] and 2 guests